i always forget guys have bellybuttons
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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