last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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