I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
