Already got asked if we're dating
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
