Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
