My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
