i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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