i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
