I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
