guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
