I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
