Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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