giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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