just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
