Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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