I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
