In the future we'll all be gay
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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