and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
