this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
