Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and she was petting her beer can
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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