i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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