Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
