if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
