I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
