Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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