Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
