So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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