her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
