So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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