I think i sorta joined a cult last night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
