The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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