im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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