If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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