have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
