I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
