You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As shirtless as possible
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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