i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
