and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
