Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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