so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
