I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
