hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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