The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
