You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
