I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
