You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
