I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
