It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
