I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
