i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
