Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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