Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
