At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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